Someone to You

Part of this story is about me. It just is. For so long I felt selfish sharing my feelings, so I pushed them down and tried to ignore them. That is a recipe for disaster.  When Adam tried to drown his brother, John was upstairs doing the bathtime routine with them. He had stepped away to sort out pajamas, heard the laughing, went back in, and saw the scene. He immediately rescued Isaiah and took Adam to his room, then came downstairs to fill me in.  Just days before, we had an argument about Adam that went the way all our arguments went:  Me: Hey, I see this issue.  John: I don’t see that issue. You are wrong. And if you’re right, it isn’t my fault.  Me: This isn’t about fault. I want you to help get this issue fixed or at least worked on.  John: You’re crazy. You always overreact. Everyone sees you overreacting. You just need to relax. There is no problem. This constant denial and lack of help was slowly making me lose all hope. I was beyond frustration ...

If you missed it, I am telling our story in a series of entries on this blog. If you didn't read the first, please go back and do so.  This story begins and ends with gaslighting. I didn’t know what that word meant before a few years ago. And it fits perfectly with what I have experienced with my now ex-husband, who we will call John. Gaslighting is basically lying to make someone else doubt their own reality. So when you tell someone a story and they say, “that didn’t happen” or “you’re remembering it wrong, you always do this!” that is them gaslighting you.   Or you say, “I feel hungry” and they say, “no you don’t, you just ate!” Your feelings are minimized, your thoughts are wrong. In my case, it really started when I became a mother. We adopted our first child- our oldest son, who we will call Adam. The adoption process was long and arduous, but the minute I saw his picture the first time, I knew I would devote my life to raising him. Holding him the first time was t...