The beginning of the end

 Up to this point in the story, I knew I was mad at John. I knew I would have a lot of trouble forgiving him for what he did to our family. But I naively held on to a shred of hope that we would all be able to heal and move on together, even if Honey and Adam could never be together again.

The day of my deposition put every possible nail into the coffin of the idea that we could ever move forward together.

For the deposition, my attorney and I met John and his attorney at a law office, and while the depositions did not take place in a courtroom, it was clearly explained that this would be court record. A court recorder was there, and she would audio record the depositions and type them up. My deposition was first.

My attorney had explained that John’s attorney (I will call her Cheryl) had the strategy of trying to rile up the other party, and thereby prove that they had some sort of mental illness or at least show that they weren’t stable. I went into that day as cool, calm, and collected as I possibly could. All I had to do was tell the truth, and not let her get under my skin.

After being sworn in, Cheryl launched into her questions. Her tone was condescending, disrespectful, and even attacking at times. Her initial strategy seemed to be proving that I loved my other 3 children, and I didn’t love Adam. As she accused and attacked me, I remained calm and emotionless, except when I laughed at her ridiculous questions, which infuriated her. Examples of questions she asked are, “How do you think Adam felt when you humiliated him in front of everyone at the courthouse?” and “Did you immediately notify John when you discovered the abuse?” (Um, I waited a day and a half- he never notified me, and it was months later that I discovered it).  Then, one by one, she pulled out Facebook posts that she tried to use to draw conclusions that were utterly ridiculous. “In this post, you mention how proud you are of Honey. Are you not proud of your other children?” and such other idiotic things. There was a huge focus on the fact that I had been researching facilities for continued treatment for Adam (which was being recommended by his team at his current facility) and that I hadn’t shared my spreadsheet with John.  This spreadsheet simply contained a list of facilities with addresses and whether they took our insurance.  I spent an hour being questioned on that- like it was some evil conspiracy to withhold information from John.  These were facilities I had found through googling- which I told Cheryl several times- but she was saying I tried to prevent John from having that info. I said, “He has Google, right? He can also have the same info I have.” Ridiculous.

My deposition lasted over 5 hours.

When it was John’s turn, my attorney was professional, direct, and almost kind to John. She asked very purposeful questions and was very skilled at crafting questions not to attack, but to draw out answers that led to more questions.

But more than the radical difference in style between our attorneys, I was struck and shocked repeatedly at the things John said.

I never agreed with his parenting style. I divorced him for several reasons, but not for being evil. I still had shreds of the thought that he was a good guy.

But as he sat there that day, I saw true evil. I saw a man hell-bent on saying whatever he had to in order to win, even if it was not true.

He lied more times than I could count- made up entire conversations we never had. Recounted stories of my behavior that never happened. He said- actually said- that I wanted to “get rid” of Adam. He made up comments that my parents supposedly said. I think the worst was when he stated that I had fed the stories to the kids about him finding out about the abuse and coached them to tell those stories.  These things were now on official court record, and he had sworn to tell the truth- but he lied and lied.

He stated I did this because I wanted Adam to be a villain and Honey to be a victim.

That was the moment I lost any shred of love, care, or respect for John. It was a “never turning back” moment.

His fictional, but plausible, story about how he handled the children and specifically Adam, were outrageous to me. This was a man who had actual physical confrontations with Adam but stated on the record that I “couldn’t get along with Adam and had tons of problems with him.”

To this day, I don’t know how I sat there and listened and didn’t scream at him. To say I wanted my daughter to be a victim? Of her own brother? In this horrible and heinous way?

John’s deposition was around 2 ½ hours- half the time of mine- and he lied and fumbled his way through every question. He made several mistakes where he accidentally said something true that would’ve been condemning for him, and then corrected himself.

When it was over, I truly felt that I had been forced to sit and endure abuse and harassment for an entire day.

From there, Cheryl submitted a request for documents to add to building her case that I was a horrible human being who hated my children (or at least one of them). I can only say that gathering these ridiculous documents (“Print off every email you’ve ever sent regarding your children to a teacher, counselor, or medical professional- including all messages sent on any form of media”) took me 20 hours.

As 2023 dawned, I no longer had hope. I no longer had a fighter’s spirit. I no longer knew what to do or where to go. 

On top of that, the time Cheryl was causing my attorney to spend on my case had grown exponentially. I had already drained my savings, borrowed money, and maxed out my credit card to get this far.  The first few months of Cheryl having John’s case cost me more than the other 10 months of attorney fees TOTAL.

And on top of that, Adam had been released from his facility and I had exhausted every single possible option for a step-down facility for him. He had to come home. And no, I don’t say, “Had To” because I didn’t want him to, but HE didn’t want to, and his therapy team said that coming home without first going to a step-down facility would make him extremely likely to re-offend. Just what we’d all want, right? But I was defeated and there were truly no options – I had spent days researching and applying for places or grants or ANYTHING to help us. I will detail this more in the next post regarding Adam.

So, our custody case went back to monthly hearings with no progress, and waiting. And John had decided to email the GAL at least weekly with complaints about me – anything from things I had bought the kids without his permission to complaints that I had said something to the kids about the case. Our GAL was even getting tired of him, because she had to “investigate” any time he made a claim. I think the most ridiculous one was that he complained I let the children chew gum and hadn’t asked him if that was ok or not.  

Friends, if you know me, you know I am tenacious. You know I am usually up for a good fight- I can rally with the best of them, even when everyone else is ready to pack it up and go home. I don’t back down. I don’t let anyone talk me out of the fight. I can stand on a battlefield while everyone on my side goes home for dinner.  And this was the most important fight I had ever fought.

But somewhere in the 15^th month or so of this fruitless battle, I sat down.

Actually, I honestly felt like I wanted to dig a giant hole in the ground and go live in it. I could feel the way the cold, dark mud would press against my face as I lay down, and the light from the sun would be mostly blocked, and I longed for that.  If a person can quietly lose their spirit, then mine escaped slowly with every breath I took. The heaviness of what had happened, the injustice of all of it, and the financial devastation had broken my spirit; and despite other long-running trials I had previously faced in life, I knew not how to recover.

My house was a disaster. I had no energy or desire to organize it or improve it. Laundry became an impossible task, and now, though it is years later, I swear I still haven’t caught up. I lost my love for cooking, for baking, for playing my piano, for anything I once enjoyed. I couldn’t handle meeting new people/making friends because how in the world do I explain my life? And all but a handful of people close to me had grown weary of hearing about my struggles.

Yes, I wanted to lie in my mud hole and wake up with a different reality. Or not wake up at all.

We reached a last-ditch effort mediation in the custody case, ordered by the judge. In this situation, it would just be John and me, without our attorneys, and a neutral 3^rd party attorney, to try and work out a settlement.

We had to pay this person by the hour, and I think we had booked it for a 2-hour session.

I conceded nothing to John in the mediation. No matter what solutions the attorney proposed, I agreed to none of them. John asked for outrageous concessions, and I passed on negotiating any of them.  I could tell the attorney was getting frustrated and almost panicked. She had a stellar record of getting people to an agreeable settlement.

With 15 minutes left, she looked at me and asked if there was anything I would take in return for continuing to share legal custody with John.  She told me that if we went to trial, it would easily cost another $20,000. And she struck fear in me by saying, “you know, if you go to trial, the judge can decide whatever she wants- she can throw your custody plan out the window and start from scratch. If you settle, you still have a say in your time with the kids.”

I had recently read about a landmark court case where the plaintiff had finally agreed to a settlement, despite not getting the justice they deserved from a large corporation that had harmed him and his family.  The corporation should’ve been brought low, dismantled, convicted of the wrongs. Instead, the man settled for a huge, huge payout. He was interviewed directly after, and he said, “I knew I could never get them to take accountability, so I realized that money IS accountability in the end.”

With the “money IS accountability” stance in mind, I proposed that I would consider keeping shared custody if John paid all of the legal fees he had caused by hiring Cheryl, and pay me the difference he owed me in child support for all of those months (because he had lied about his income and my application to change it wouldn’t be heard until this was settled).  All in all, it would be over $18,000, and I said he could make payments to me.

John jumped at this chance and agreed to it, no questions asked. I was dumbfounded. He just said he didn’t want a trial, and he wanted it to be over.

So, in the waning minutes of the mediation session, I agreed to joint legal custody if he would pay me what he owed me, along with all the other terms regarding when he had the kids and such.

The attorney said she would write up the agreement and send it to our attorneys, then it would go to the judge.

I immediately regretted letting him “buy” his way out, but I was also mentally living in my mud hole, so I just waited to hear from my lawyer.  I did not have another $20,000 to fight him and possibly lose.

The agreement was written up, but shockingly, the part about the payments he would make to me was not included. She made a statement in the email about “there was some discussion about legal fees and back child support, but that will be decided by the judge.”

I was, once again, if humanly possible at this point, shocked. The payment was the only reason I had agreed to settle. Otherwise, I would’ve continued to push. And it had been nonchalantly left out. 

I let my lawyer know this, and she replied that with this being a new judge, it was possible she wouldn’t agree to my terms anyway. She said she would take the proposed agreement to the judge, ask for the money, and see.

Within the month, the judge had stated that she was not going to have a policy of people paying for the other party’s legal fees, and no back child support variances.  

So, nothing. I had gotten nothing.  I had the choice to sign the agreement or to go to trial.

Broke- financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically- I walked into my attorney’s office and signed the most pointless child custody modification that ever existed- and changed nothing about my children’s life situation.

I had fought for my children, been outfoxed by a lying man who had more money than me to pay an attorney, and lost.

There is nothing else to say.