Screaming at the Wind


Two years ago today, I filed a legal petition for full legal and physical custody of my children. My world had come crashing down in ways I couldn't have imagined.

At the time it happened, I couldn’t talk about it much because I was feeling so overwhelmed and so dumbstruck with the events that I couldn’t form my thoughts into coherent or helpful sentences. Then later when I did share, the words I used were turned against me in a way that has hurt me immeasurably. I have never been scared before to share the truth of my life with the world. I firmly believe we can all learn from each other, and that words are the only way to affect real change. So having my voice taken from me has also been traumatic. I realize that by speaking now, it’s possible I will be misunderstood and hurt again. But without sharing what we’ve been through, it feels like the bad guys have won, the world will never get better, and I am powerless to change any of it.

When the newer version of Aladdin came out a few years ago, a cynical male friend of mine commented that another classic story was ruined by turning it into a story that featured women’s empowerment. He felt that we have had enough of that. In his world, women have a voice and are allowed to have thoughts, feelings, autonomy, and strength. I desperately wanted him to see that the world he lives in is not the same as many, many others. But I thought better of it and questioned whether I was overly sensitive about the way the world works. Maybe the Me Too movement and the recent focus on women’s equality WAS making a difference and it was time to move on.

I can tell you now unequivocally- we are nowhere near the end of this fight. So in solidarity with Princess Jasmine, I say: “I won’t be silent- you can’t keep me quiet. Won’t tremble when you try it. All I know is I won’t go speechless. Cause I’ll breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don’t you underestimate me, cause I know that I won’t go speechless.”
I am “picking up my pen”- typing really, of course. I am hoping against hope that things I share will shed some light on these issues (and others) in which the system is unhelpful, biased, twisted, and oppressive. And before we go forward, I want to promise you, reader, a few things. 

1- Everything I say is true. I will try not to overdramatize facts, and I will not lie to make the story better. I have been hurt repeatedly in life by people lying. I don’t know why it is so easy for some people, but telling the truth is a foundational principle in my life now more than ever. 
2- I will try and protect the identities of those involved as much as possible. If you know me, you may already know the players in these events. I can’t help that. To quote Anne Lamott, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” I am not doing this to defame or villainize anyone- but if they look like the villain, that is probably because they are. Or at least very misguided. 
3- I will not stop until I find a way to help people who have been where we have. Some people don’t want these stories shared because it makes them look bad. I have been bullied, intimidated, harassed, and guilted into being quiet. I will not bow low to those who are responsible for our suffering and pretend nothing happened. I know there are others out there and I want a safe space for them to find help. 

Please understand that all of this has shattered something in me. I thought if I fought the hardest of fights with every ounce of my being, every dollar to my name, and with the purest of truths, I would win. That is not how this has ended, and that fact has completely broken me. 

Maybe it was my naivete and my belief that most people are good when it comes to it. Maybe it was my belief that people can change. Or maybe it was my hope that when disaster strikes, the systems put in place will actually help. But most definitely, I am not who I was before, and I fear that continuing my silence will only drag me to an extremely cynical and paralyzed state of mind. I cannot live like that. And even with everything that has happened, I still believe in the Bible verse that says, “I am confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living”- Psalm 27:13. 

More than anything, I want to see that goodness through change and positive effects on future humans. I am asking you to join me on this journey and as you read, think of ways you yourself could help. I don’t mean helping me or my family- I mean helping the existing systems and situations that caused us to get here. I know someone out there has the power and voice to help. If not to change the world, to change your little corner of it. 

We stand on the shoulders, or rather, the broken spirits of those who have suffered before. I don’t want to litter that graveyard with my own body and soul. I want to rise up, and I need your help to do that. And for now, all that takes is for you to listen. 

Let’s begin, shall we?

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