Bears and Butker

 

This is a departure from my storytelling, but not completely unrelated. The last few weeks, there has been so much discourse about women’s feelings, the roles of women/men, and the way things should be. And it is exhausting. All of it seems like a big adventure in missing the point- mostly men, but also some women.

I posted a few innocuous articles/videos and made a few comments here and there. And in every situation, there were supportive comments, disagreeing comments, and downright attacking/demeaning comments.

As has been stated over and over, people have a right to their opinion and a right to state it. My questions, after all of this discussion, are: Do people actually want to understand? Are people open to listening and processing and deciding that maybe they are wrong? It really, really doesn’t seem like it.

But the biggest question is: Are you willing to believe someone when they tell you how they feel?

That is not up for discussion. It is not up to you to tell them they are wrong to feel that way. In fact, the only appropriate response if you disagree is, “I’m sorry you feel that way- maybe I need to learn more about why.”

These last few weeks, women have literally been screaming at the wind. They are telling you they would feel safer or be happier alone in the woods with a bear rather than a man- do you even care why they say that? Of course, they know the bear can and might rip them apart limb from limb- women aren’t stupid. What they are saying is, “I would rather be torn apart physically than be left to suffer unthinkable trauma at the hands of a strange man.”

Do you hear them?

It isn’t about stats and facts and the number of bear attacks. It is that so, so many of us have experienced the life-altering trauma of abuse at the hands of a man; and those of us that haven’t certainly know another woman who has and have lived through second-hand trauma and the constant fear that we are next.

Men- the only appropriate response is, “I am so sorry you have been made to feel that way. We need to do better as a gender.”

As a woman myself, I know hundreds, if not thousands, of really good men.  Let’s pretend that zero of them have committed an act of violence against a woman. I will also bet the farm that most of them have listened to a man crack an inappropriate joke about a woman or have stood by while another guy demeaned a woman, made an inappropriate remark, or straight up told them something that they know is wrong. And they did nothing.

So you “good” men out there- say something. DO something. Ask the women in your life about the times a man has made them uncomfortable or has hurt them. Ask them what behaviors make them feel safe, or unsafe, with you. Be curious. If you are truly a “good” man, be on our side. Don’t defend the countless number of douchebags out there by standing with them. Say, “I believe women are valuable and deserve to exist in a world where they not only feel safe, but they ARE safe.” Want us to 100% choose the man over the bear.

And while we’re at it: stop defending a man who kicks a ball for a living – who wouldn’t know you from Adam- over the woman you actually know who says his remarks upset her.

For centuries, women have provided unpaid domestic labor to their husbands and children. What is it about being born with female parts that means it is OUR job to make the grocery list? What did I do to choose a life where it was clear it would be MY job to keep the family calendar, do all the deep cleaning, remember that my daughter needs pink tights for dance class, and figure out how to feed everyone between the 17 nightly activities? The answer is: nothing. I did nothing to be put under the assumption that I would take care of the domestic/family things while my husband is seen as a “good guy” because he washes dishes sometimes.

What upset us about Harrison Butker is not that he told women to “get back in the kitchen” (he didn’t). What upset us was the implication that now thousands of men have backed up that women can go to college, get a degree, and even WANT a career, but that for their husbands to be truly fulfilled and achieve their life goals, they should WANT to be a wife and mother first. That it is our “highest calling.” That if we don’t feel that way, we are believing diabolical lies.

Is motherhood a high calling? You bet. Do we think men should appreciate what it takes to grow and birth humans? Sure. If I had the ultimate dream career I wanted, I would still say that raising my kids was the biggest honor of my life. But the difference is: we want to CHOOSE what it is that we spend our lives doing.

There is currently no scenario in America where a young couple, preparing for marriage, sits down and says, “Hey, maybe you, the husband, should bear the children and take on the full weight of supporting the family’s domestic needs while I, the wife, pursues a career in professional sports.”  I DO know some very enlightened families where the husband has been the “stay at home dad” and the wife has had a career. I know many where the dad is present, shares the domestic labor, and takes good care of his wife. But no matter how you split it, men still can’t get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed. From the get-go, women are in charge of “providing” the children. Why doesn’t the obligation to be “lead” on the family stuff end there? Why isn't a shared lift from the start? 

I have known men who refuse to change dirty diapers because the smell makes them gag- and I am talking about men my age, not the older generations. What if the woman gags too? It is assumed the woman will do it because someone has to and a man shouldn’t be forced to make himself sick for that. I have known men who refuse to do any cooking- if their wife is to be gone from the house at dinner time, it’s expected she will provide dinner to be heated up or ready to serve. The list goes on and on. The assumption is the woman will do it and the man has the choice.

And I can't shake the feeling that men like it that way. I mean, it's a sweet life. Who wouldn't love a full-time housekeeper, nanny, assistant, and "love provider"- and for free? 

The narrative needs to change, and supporting the statements of someone like Butker just shows how much men want to hold on to their own power to choose, while acting like praising their wives is enough to justify deny her those same choices.

You can disagree with people calling for Butker to be fired, but you can’t tell a woman she shouldn’t be upset by the statements or the disheartening feeling that so many men in her life agree with Butker. What you CAN do is listen and try to understand.

Ask women why they choose the bear and why Butker upset them. Men, the fact is, as much as you think you’re enlightened and lean towards being a feminist, if you can’t listen to the answers they give, you aren’t there. If it can’t make you upset too, you aren’t there. You have never once walked through life as a woman, even for a day.

Try starting from the perspective that you don’t know. You don’t know why a woman would choose a bear- so ask. You don’t know why it enraged me to listen to Butker’s speech- so ask.

It isn’t “ideology” for us.  It is real life.  It is a real experience.  

So if you’re a good one, start listening to understand, and not just to the dude-bros who already agree with you.